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From: MA HALL <M.A.Hall%bradford.ac.UK@uhou.uh.edu>>
Subject: AHmagazine 2nd attempt
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Ahours Magazine 6/2/92

Editorial
           A week of many reboots and restarts did not deter many of you from logging on this week. The news at the moment seems to be Karma's castle (and the fact that the directions are given from a long gone castle), pkilling (I have set a function key for this word) and tithes/charity/ training.
           I have been very sick this weekend so most of this will be unedited except for Hetfield's problem page (Because he begged me to) and Thunderknob's letter.
           Mike Hall(Tarrow)

           CAPS TALK

Hey guys.. not much gossip this week.. well major stuff that happened.. the major.. loss of files.. for some it seriously damaged them .. and for others it helped them.. For me.. I got a life back. *grin* others lost tons of exp. levels. and money.. well sorry guys *comfort*

the major social events of the week include Ayla and Baton's wedding, Rapture and Mustang's wedding and Ione's birthday party.. Ayla and Baton were married amidst a lagfest the other night.. I hope they have a great marriage.. Raputure and Mustang were wed Wednesday night after Mustang finally arrived. More immortals attended the wedding than players heheh.. Well Congrats guys.. and i hope this marriage turns out better than you last ones.. Ione celebrated her 19th birthday party on the mud Thursday night. the party was given by Teehee and Karelle. There was a cake and balloons.. and Ione got some interesting gifts from the guys at Bradford.. and a few roses from Vortex. Happy birthday Ione..!! well that is all the gossip for this week.. heheh - love karelle

Now for all of you players out there who are feeling a bit generous and want to help a newbie here are a few tips to get you started:

1. Get them a quicktyper and a few days later tell them to type hoohaa for extra strength.
2. Take them for a stroll in the acid swamp and encourage to take a tip.
3. Give them a tour of Dragon Isle and let them get stuck on the raft.
4. Tell them this is an All pk mud and encourage them to attack fellow newbies.
5. Give them the Giant-sized belt for armour.
6. Let Rapture show them around the mud.
7. Encourage them to kill the town guards for easy exp.
8. Tell them to beg the teller for money by typing attack teller.
9. Tell them to shout cuss words to the gods for a laugh.
10. Tell them to become an adventurer!!!

Well guys.. hope you enjoyed it!! see ya next week.. and mail your gossip!! -karelle

           A new column next by Hetfield

           Hetfield's advice column...

This week, and just about EVERY week, your good friend Hetfield will be doing his utmost to help solve any emotional problems caused by playing MUDs...

But of course, no-one's gonna just load off on me without PROOF, so here's some 'anonymous' letters I recieved in my dump bin!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Hetfield;
           Recently I have become very confused... I found this rather spiffing 'Girdle of Giant Strength' lying around in Newbie land. I tried it on, and that's when my problems started... Now, I can't pee straight when standing up without getting my feet wet.
It's murder trying to get my breastplate to fit.
And only this week I've been getting RATHER IRRITABLE, ALLRIGHT?
                                       Confused.
REPLY:
                I can see what your problem is... A lack of certain items of apparel which you held on to through your adolecence. I can't really help you get back to your original state, I'm afraid to say. My best advice is to hang around the login room and flirt with whoever comes in. You'll make lots of money that way!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Hetfield;
               Please help me, I have been spending most of my time on AH searching desperately for that 'special' lady. Everyone I have asked has just denied my noble advances. Things are becoming worrying now... I've even considered trying my luck with Vaprak...
I need advice..
                                       Lonely and depressed.
REPLY:
              Hmm... First, GET A LIFE! Secondly, if you REALLY want to get married, just create a second FEMALE character, boost her level up to 5th or so, and then marry her! (You may need two computers for this one!) It works! I'm getting hitched to Toriamos next week! If that fails, see my reply to the first question! :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DEAR HETTY WETTY!!!!!!
           HIYA HETTY!!!! I'VE GOT A LITTLE WITTLE PROBLEM... I STILL CANNOT FIND MY WAY FROM THE LOGIN ROOM TO THE PUB, LET ALONE THE SHOP OR ANY OTHER EXCITING PLACES!!!!! NOT ONLY THAT, BUT I HAVE THIS UNCONTROLLABLE URGE TO SHOUT ALL THE TIME AND RHYME THINGS AS WELL...
PLEASE HELPY WELPY!!!!

REPLY:
               How much are they paying me to do this???? It's not enough!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Hetfield;
           I've forgotten where I found my Quicktyper. Could you help me find it?
                                       Professional Newbie.
REPLY:
                F**k off!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>From ssuparso@uk.ac.reading Tue Feb 2 10:12:33 1993
From: ssuparso@uk.ac.reading
Date: Mon, 1 Feb 93 21:32:57 GMT
To: D.Parson@uk.ac.bradford
Subject: problems
Content-Length: 201

I have an awful problem, I have one massive red zit on my face. I've now had if for 2 weeks what can I do?
Also I'm a nyphomaniac and I'm feeling frustrated, have you any ideas
    Thanks a lot BECK!!!!

REPLY:
                See what happens if you leave your terminal unnattended???
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Hetfield;
           I am a drunk, dirty old man... Recently I have found myself reading 'alternative' newsgroups, such as alt.sex.little.boys and alt.sex.necrophilia. I realise I should stop but I'm addicted. This is starting to affect my life on the Mud. I have uncontrollable urges to throw snow at people, and slap them a lot. Help me please...
                                       Sick and Twisted.
REPLY:
                YOU get those newsgroups? Lucky you, they're banned here! Send over some copies will you Morg? (Whoops!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ERR... Oh well, that's it for this week. Let's hope that next week I won't have to slam my imagination into overdrive!

Just mail it all to D.Parson@bradford.ac.uk! My mailtool can handle it! ;)

Disclaimer:
                If any of this offends then TRY GETTING OUT MORE OFTEN!

Disclaimer ^ 2:
                I actually CAN solve peoples REAL problems! I CAN, HONEST! Try me!

                Letters

well, I did once gate to a person and managed to pkill him... (sorry , cant remember the name....) but i did have about 290 sp's at the time so still had quite a few fireballs to cast and i was drunk so my healing rate was up....

Also, you can use gate in another respect to pkill...grab yourself a few of your favourite monk pkillers, select a prespecified target, then gate to em and quickly summon in the monks who start bashing.....
Id set aliases for this....people generally run when a known pkiller suddenly appears in the room and summons his mates in :) (I almost cleared the pub one time by gating in there and summoning in rastus and gravel...dunno why though..ya cant kill in the pub!)
Hope to see yous soon on AH (Although Ive heard some nasty rumours that Ive been removed....if i have i know EXACTLY who did it and ill be mailing Elric and mac very quickly :) )

Uncle TK the loving Telnet Commando (Thunderknob for those new chars that don't remember me...)

Coming Soon: The Complete History of the Telnet Commandoes AND Learn to PK with Uncle TK!! :)

                Voting Section

Voting was down from last week and the Girdle of Giant Strength made it a pain working out the votes but here it is. Most Popular Male Female 1=Balloon 1 Ayla 1=Morgoth 2 Ione 2 Tuidjy 3 Melissa

A couple of surprises here, the complete disappearance of Prong and Jimniebo from the tables and Balloon being the joint most popular male with Morgoth ! I am in a state of shock over this but I have been accurately counting the votes. * These votes are accurately counted so please don't ban uk.ac.bradford. I think Bleys is really cool and deserves to be made most popular every month. *Lick lick lick beg beg beg* ** Has been wiped

                Advertisements

              TK's Advert:

Wanted.....One link to US for which i CANT get busted for going to AH on.....OR...one high explosive grenade for use on the tartarus admin that busted me :).......OR.....one plane ticket to US and a guaranteed work permit waiting for me....
Any response please mail to skelly@tartarus.uwa.edu.au

              Morgoth's Advert

Vacancy filled

So that's it for another week. It should be out on time next Saturday, health permitting. How can I finish this ? Hmm... I know !

Keep Rockin

Tarrow